Whispers in the Shadows: Tales from the Underground Ayahuasca Circles
A Brief History of Ayahuasca
The origins of Ayahuasca are in dispute and largely lost. We know it has been broadly in use in the Upper Amazon for several thousand years. There is some evidence that certain groups in South American regions inhaled or smoked DMT-containing plants as far back as 900 BC. It had a wide variety of applications for Indigenous Shamans including for healing ceremonies, spiritual events, artistic inspiration and even warfare. In the 16th century, Christian missionaries from Spain encountered Indigenous western Amazonian Basin South Americans using it and described it as “a work of the devil”.
Ayahuasca is a plant medicine native to Central and South America. It is used to make what some term as a “visionary brew”. Yet it wasn’t until the 1800s when a botanist by the name of Richard Spruce visited the Brazilian Amazon to attempt to identify the scientific properties of the plant. On doing so, he sent caapi vine samples back to England, where no one could be bothered to test them. They sat on the shelves for another century until interest in them rose in the 1960s.
It was an author, however, who broke the story of this drug wide open. Richard Evans Schultes had written about it in his book The Plants of the Gods: Their Sacred, Healing & Hallucinogenic Properties. He had credibility as he also happened to be an ethnobotanist, believed to be the first in modern times. It was published in 1979 and covered all the plans used by Indigenous people in South America, including Ayahuasca. As a result, several influential thinkers from the west began seeking it out in the Amazon. And two of those influential thinkers were William S. Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg.
Both of these men were leaders in the Beat Generation – a literary movement which existed to speak out against standard narratives or the push to conform. Instead, they prioritized spiritual quests and exploration of the human condition. And that could be why it is still in use today. While it is nowhere near mainstream, people around the world do seek it out for what they hope will be a life-changing experience. This hope is common as many who have taken the drug compare their experience to a rebirth of sorts. Native practitioners see it as their responsibility to try to educate these people on how to use it properly. Understanding its ingredients is a good start, but ingredients have different names in different cultures, so it is important to keep that in mind.
Understanding Ayahuasca
Ayahuasca is an entheogenic tea. The drink goes by different names including ayawaska, caapi, yajé, or yagé. Those demanding respect for this drug say it is safest to use as part of a traditional ritual or a sacred ceremony and prepared by an experienced Shaman, sometimes called an Ayahuasquero. Making this drink is not easy and in fact there are different schools of thought among shamans as to what makes the best brew. Here are some of the ingredients:
MAOI (MonoAmine Oxidase Inhibitor) and DMT (DiMethylTryptamine).
Banisteriopsis Caapi – this is the only plant found in every variant of the drink. It does not produce major psychoactive effects but instead enables the effects produced by other ingredients. It does, however, produce a peaceful effect of gentle euphoria by allowing several neurotransmitters such as dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine to stay in the brain for longer.
Psychotria Viridis – this is also referred to as amiruca or samiruka (Ecuador) or chacruna (Brazil or Peru). It contains DMT, the psychoactive part of the brew. While DMT can also be present in the body with no effect, it is the normally the MAO that prevents it from entering the bloodstream. The caapi, however, inhibits the MAO, allowing the DMT to reach the brain. This produces changes in visual and auditory perceptions, a reduction in fear and shame, and an increased feeling of interconnectivity and empathy.
Watch for Additives
One of the reasons an Ayahuasca brew could be dangerous is because of some of the additives used, which cause problems in people who are sensitive. An Ayahuasca brew that is done right requires no additives and will provide a good experience for anyone drinking with an experienced guide. Unfortunately, many brews are done right. Here are two of the additives used:
1. Justicia Pectoralis: also known as piri piri, masha-hari or, perhaps most commonly, tilo, depending on where your Shaman was trained. The main reason this ingredient is used is to try to prevent nausea, diarrhea or vomiting, a common side effect of the brew. But many people consider these unpleasant side effects to be cathartic as they help to clear blockages or eliminates things that don’t belong in you. It can therefore be a therapeutic experience, as long as you drink plenty of water throughout. The plant contains courmarin, a compound that flushes uric acid out of the body. So it can be very helpful for those with kidney stones.
2. Brugmansia or Datura – also known as maikoa or toe, this is an ingredient used far less often and in smaller amounts. The problem is, it can make you delirious or cause you to lose consciousness. Unlike visual or auditory hallucinations, these delusions cannot be distinguished from reality. On top of that, after the “trip” a person is often left in a highly suggestible state.
Preparing for Ayahuasca
Physically, it is smart to follow a healthy diet for a few weeks before taking it. Avoiding alcohol, tobacco and caffeine will help enable a better physical experience when you are high. The less toxins in your system, the better your experience will be.
Emotionally and spiritually is another matter. Your mental state will have a profound effect on what happens on your Ayahuasca journey, which in turn will affect your spirit. It is strongly advised to practice meditation, breathing exercises or anything that will help you relax, like yoga. It is very important to get yourself into the right mental state.
How long to prepare is debatable? Some speak of the “call of Ayahuasca” that told them they were ready, but most people will not get a sign like this. Just follow your intuition best you can, while learning as much as you can about the plant.
The Experience
While Ayahuasca can be a deeply spiritual experience, you can still experience unpleasant effects that are widely considered to be well worth it. Crying, shaking, sweating or laughing for no reason can all be your body and spirit’s way of releasing blocked energies. Welcome them, because if you don’t it may lead to a bad trip. The best way to use Ayahuasca is to let go, or go with the flow, so to speak. This is another reason why an experienced guide working with you is essential, as they can also advise you on how to prepare. And an essential part of preparing is to drop any and all expectations, because the only thing consistent about the Ayahuasca experience is the unexpected.
An Ayahuasca trip can last anywhere from 4 to 8. hours on average. Other factors that influence the trajectory of a journey is individual chemistry and dosage. But the factors you have more control over? Set and setting. Setting is where you take it and the conditions of that environment, be it a dark room or a lavish ceremony room, and the sounds, smells and people in that environment.
Set, on the other hand, is your internal environment, which we addressed previously. Your mental, spiritual, physical and emotional states will all help determine the kind of experience you get, so you must take care of yourself in the time period leading up to your trip. You may find yourself reliving old experiences or seeing them in a new way. You will likely receive insights on the life you are living. And the good news is those insights tend to persist even after your journey is complete.
Longer Lasting Effects
If Ayahuasca is used the way it was traditionally intended, you have an experienced guide and the proper preparations take place, there is no limit to the long-lasting benefits you may experience. The important thing is to take Ayahuasca with a pure heart and the goal of spiritual development or personal transformation. Taking it recreationally is never advised. Those who report the best experiences generally allow time to process and integrate what they have learned. This is where a Psychedelic Integration Coach can help. But attitude is everything.
First Ayahuasca Trip
Part 1 – Background
As far back as I can remember I have suffered from anxiety, and every bout of it was followed by depression. It has also gotten worse over the years. My anxiety has cost me jobs and relationships. I even had to drop out of college.
I never did tell anyone how bad it was. I always kept it to myself. When I was seven years old, I was hit by a drunk driver while I was riding my bicycle and spent over a month at Sick Kids Hospital. The surgeons had to peel back my scalp and remove bits of debris. I suffered brain trauma from the impact to the skull. I ended up developing hearing problems. And I might have received tainted blood after my accident because they tested me for HIV and Hep C. Luckily, the results were negative. That same year I had another near-death experience in which I was sent to the emergency room for a last-minute surgery and had my appendix removed. Also in the same year: I had my tonsils removed.
I had traumatic experiences as a child. I once found a dead body on my neighbor’s driveway. My brother was kidnapped by a creepy family friend for a day. I was diagnosed with PTSD and developed eating disorders. Recently, I had a home invasion, which now seems like a case of mistaken identity. But despite it all I am grateful to be alive and well and the one thing that has helped me through the years has been psychedelics, primarily psilocybin mushrooms.
This is the story of my first Ayahuasca experience approximately seven years ago in the spring of 2014. All the names have been changed in the story for personal reasons.
I had met a woman named Mindy through a friend. Mindy was a Reiki master. In a session one day she casually mentioned her friend Stu, who she said was a Shaman. And they were going to be doing an Ayahuasca ceremony in a few weeks. They had already done a few and it was a deeply transformative experience. Would I like to join?
I had the impression I could connect to some Ayahuasca spirit and ask questions, similar to seeing a fortune teller. I wanted to bring my friend Mary, who in turn brought two of her best friends.
Fast forward two weeks later and we are at Mindy's house in Mississauga with Stu the Shaman. Now before I say anything more, I must tell you a little backstory. It turned out that Stu wasn't really a Shaman but just someone who sat with the medicine a bunch of times and Mindy wasn't just a Reiki master, but she also dabbled in the dark arts of black magic. I would eventually find out this information a while later but too late for my own liking.
The day of the ceremony I arrived a little bit early to set up and get a lay of the land and to claim my spot in the living room where the magic would happen. I ended up choosing one side of the comfy couch with the leg rest and a couple pillows along with a cozy thin blanket. Shortly afterwards everyone else arrived and there was a total of seven people in the ceremony including Mindy and Stu.
The rules were laid out to us prior to the ceremony commencing. The main rule was that anyone having a bad trip need to go see Mindy the Reiki master or Stu the Shaman for assistance. They also asked we not to talk to anyone else, to be respectful and to mind our own business. After the ceremony we would have a vegan potluck. We all fasted anywhere between 12-24 hours before the ceremony.
We all took turns going up to the shaman to accept our Ayahuasca cup and announce our intentions. I just chose something simple. My intention was just love. That's it. Nothing else but love.
Part 2 – The Ayahuasca story
I drank the cup of Ayahuasca and sat on my comfortable spot on the couch with the leg rest. The house lighting was dimmed just enough to allow us to make out everyone in the room. Ceremonial music played softly in the background.
I had my light blanket wrapped around me and was in a meditative Zen like stance waiting for the effects to hit me. About 20 minutes in I started to hear something but couldn’t quite make out what it was, so I opened my eyes to look around the room to see if everyone else could hear the same thing too.
To my surprise everyone was in their own world eyes shut and seemed pretty relaxed except for me. My anxiety levels just got higher and higher, and my palms got sweaty and my heart rate started to spike higher and higher. The noise I was hearing turned out to be laughter and in fact it sounded like something more sinister like demonic laughter. It was cackling and it got so loud that I thought whomever it was, was enjoying causing me anxiety and fear.
I realized this is a point where I should get help from Mindy and Stu. This is the perfect time to help me from this torment. As I was about to get up, I realized I could not even stand or move and whatever force it was, was keeping me locked in place. It started to laugh even harder than before when it realized I knew I couldn’t get help or talk.
At this point I started to get even more worried than before as now there was a secondary noise in addition to the laughter. The secondary noise started to get louder and louder and started to overtake the demonic laughter. At least I knew what the laughter was even though it sounded scary but whatever this noise was, it was even more terrifying because I couldn’t categorize it and I had a strong feeling it was the beginning of some sort of onset.
It got to the point where all I could hear was this secondary noise which sounded like a loud roaring of some sort and the laughter was completely gone by now. I knew something imminent was going to take place, but I tried my best to avoid it. I just somehow knew if I kept my eyes open, I would be fine but the second I closed my eyes something bad was gonna happen. Those were the thoughts going through my mind.
My eyelids seem to get heavier and heavier, and they almost felt like lead curtains, and I was fighting with every fiber of my being to keep my eyes open. I finally reached a point where I had no choice and knew I had to shut my eyes with this loud noise roaring in the background. The second I did shut my eyes I was no longer on a couch in someone’s living room in the suburbs. I saw my soul in a rocket ship and that secondary noise was the roaring of the engine of this rocket ship and then it took off 0-100 at the speed of light.
I was whizzing past all these galaxies and planets so fast that my entire body was shaking and convulsing. I was trying my best to control this rocket ship. I think I said out loud I hope I don’t get an anxiety attack. The word “anxiety” appeared in all white and started to bounce off the glass windows in the rocket ship. Every-time it hit the glass it bounced faster and faster like a ping pong ball and the faster it bounced the more anxiety I got. The more anxiety I got the faster and harder my heart was beating. It got to the point where I felt like I was going to have a heart attack any minute and I needed to let go of the controls of the ship and grab my chest to brace myself. At this very instant the ship then crash landed on some alien planet.
I woke up on this planet from the crash to realize my rocket ship was in tatters and I was severely injured and bleeding and needed help desperately. There were aliens on this planet, and they all surrounded me and said to one another hey there’s an alien here. I was their alien. I was trying to negotiate with them saying I wanted only good beings around me, and they all laughed and said I was on their planet and they could do anything they wanted with me. I was able to communicate with them by some sort of telepathy.
I was begging and pleading with them for my life, but they proceeded to do whatever they wanted. Some of them were nine feet tall, some were three feet. Some were able to get invisible and some were able to download my memories. And they all were also fighting with each other over control of my body. It truly was a dark planet and felt like I was in some sort of hellish looking place. I ended up getting some sort of power bar like a video game over my body and the more they grabbed me and pulled on me the more my life force energy and the power bar went down. I was wondering how my parents were gonna have my funeral without my body.
I realized I was about to die on this planet and saw my power bar go down to the last stick. I braced myself for the inevitable and just as the last bit of the power bar was about to go away, this beam of white light came through the darkness through my crown chakra and lifted me off the ground. The aliens all got scared and scattered around me to watch what was going on. I realized it was god, the divine, the creator or whatever you may it…. the heavens. Although I was being rescued and floating upwards in what seemed like to be the heavens, I was still upset at god for taking so long to rescue me. I asked the creator why it took so long? The bottom of the 9th, 3 balls and 2 strikes? You couldn’t have saved me even 10 minutes earlier? At this point the beam of white light had disintegrated everything around me and I was just floating upwards in white pure brilliant light.
The white light energy felt so amazing and filled with love but it never said a word, but I somehow could understand what it wanted from me as I proceeded to go further into the heavens. It wanted my memory. I pleaded with god to let me keep my memories, but it didn’t respond. I understood it was going to happen sooner or later. I finally gave in as I knew whatever it wanted was for my best interest and I said out loud you’ve taken everything else from me you might as well have my memories. I’m going to miss my family and friends.
Suddenly I woke up into a new reality as if everything else before me was a dream. I was able to see my body floating to the heavens. I thought as I examined myself wow, I am a human and a south Asian male. I watched the light disintegrate all my clothes off my body and then slowly my body itself. It broke everything down with such clarity and intensity and speed down the size of an atom and then smaller and smaller and smaller. I was astonished at what I was witnessing, and it seemed like it kept going at this for a little while until there was nothing left. It told me that love bonded everything in the universe. I cried the happiest cry I had ever done at the same time wondering how I’m able to cry since I no longer have a body.
I was transported to another dimension and the Ayahuasca spirit had told me now that you’ve been humbled, they can begin to teach me lessons. The spirit of Ayahuasca brought the spirit of every drug I had used previously with one arm over the drug and one arm over me. I met the spirit of alcohol, psilocybin, cannabis, mdma, etc. It had given me a stern warning about the spirit of mdma liking it to a fake friend. It says it takes more from you then it gives you. I was warned about the dangers of addiction and it told me if I didn’t take this warning seriously it would punish me the next time I did Ayahuasca. I was also given the ability to see 20 years into the future but it kinda freaked me out, so I declined. I had the ability to ask any question in the universe and it could give me the answer too but only if I understood that I would not remember what question or the answer.
At this point in the ceremony, I was finally aware that I was on a living room couch and could notice the others who seemed like they were finished their ceremonies and started to all talk and cheerfully celebrate with one another. I was given telepathic abilities. Anyone in the household that I wanted to speak with or come checkup on me the Ayahuasca spirit would send them to me within a minute of me requesting it. I was thoroughly amused and impressed by what was transpiring around me and laughed to myself. I felt the effects of Ayahuasca were dwindling at a rapid rate at this point and before I could say anything more the spirit of Ayahuasca confirmed to me that they are leaving soon and asked if I had any last questions before they exit my body. I must say at this moment I was no longer hallucinating and everything in the living room seemed normal. I remembered Mary and the reason why I came here in the first place, but I just asked a blanket question. What are the odds of me hooking up with any of the women in the household? The spirit of Ayahuasca laughed and said if by hooking up you mean long term? If it's from the heart I can give you that answer. I said yes and almost instantly every woman had a percentage hovering above them. Besides the hovering percentages everything else appeared normal.
I was even able to peel back the percentages and if me and someone was 64% in March, I could see if the percentage went up or down in three months time. I checked everyone’s match for June 2014 and the lady sitting next to me on the couch during my entire trip was matched at 90% with me! I was like wow I didn’t really like her personality, but I also hardly knew anything about her at the time. I got up off the couch and joined everyone in conversation. We all ate and talked and shared our stories with one another.
Part 3 – Conclusion
The first 4-6 weeks after the ceremony I experienced something I’ve never experienced before. Living with zero anxiety. Not only did I have virtually no anxiety, but my energy levels were also the highest I’ve ever experienced in my life. I could not sleep more than 4-5 hours a day during that time span. After the six-week mark and since to this day my anxiety has permanently been reduced.
Later that June in 2014 I ran into the lady on the couch at a festival I was attending, and we did end up falling in love as predicted by the Ayahuasca spirit, but it didn’t last because of Mindy. But that’s another story for another time. I never realized the profound ability and powerful effects that psychedelics can have on the human body and mind. I wonder what my experience would have been with a better set and setting and a real Shaman. Psychedelics are a powerful tool. I am a firm believer that they should be legal and decriminalized. I believe anything that grows naturally should be legal.
I didn't take the warning seriously for mdma however. And since the Ayahuasca ceremony back then and I've gone through many battles of addictions (with mdma and other substances). I was introduced to an Indigenous Shaman through a close friend who shared their story and gave me encouragement. I’ve been substance free since 2018 with the help of the Shaman and psilocybin mushrooms. I began studying with the Shaman in her chacaruna program (bridge person) since meeting her and I've learned to work with the psilocybin spirit. I've participated and facilitated in countless ceremonies. I was initiated with the psilocybin spirit at the end of 2019.
I currently help clients with harm reduction as a recovery coach and I assist others with psychedelic integration by facilitating sacred ceremonies. It is my mission now to help others navigate the psychedelic realm for their own healing and journeys, and hopefully offer some inspiration too.
Special thanks to Amrita Virdi for the psychedelic art 👌🏽🙏🍄